Day After Day, Night After Night
Day After Day, Night After Night
Thoughts remain scattered, blurry. Glimpses of clarity, yet right when my eyes begin to focus they jump out of sight, everything is muddled again. My mind will not slow down, it’s fighting to push me down. A rigid finger that points directly at me. “No matter what you do Erin, you will always create messes and cause others to hate and resent you! Don’t try to pretend that you’re this ‘good’ person, it’s all an act!!”
Intense pull to admit to all the blame, apologize profusely, will I be forgiven? Is there any way I can repent?
Mind running quickly, never letting up on the pace. Heavy struggle to get out of bed. Wake up to Jon sitting next to me at the side of the bed, asking me if I’m okay? He was responding to my yells — “No! No!” Residue from my dream seeps into the day.
Beautiful, fresh morning, my body already resists the day. Anxiety and exhaustion so thick, it’s difficult to move within. Rush of memories centers on high school — how incredibly alone and terrified I was. Tremendous grief and sadness inside follow them. Memories of previous relationships and wishes experienced in high school and college. Perhaps I’m beginning to see some of my past as real? It feels tragic.
Nerves still very active. Senses are blurred this morning, want to brush it off, blame it on not enough sleep — yet I slept a solid 8 hours. Middle of my chest, stomach area feel tight, constricted. Rigid muscles, heart is a little hot.
Discomfort surrounds my days. Difficult to stay focused, slow myself down to eat breakfast, lunch, or dinner. It is such a battle to be nice to myself, it’s a messy fight inside.
Throughout my life, basic, simple experiences and feelings I believed I didn’t deserve, wasn’t worthy of. I did trust my family, tried so hard to fit in, adopt their beliefs. Could not understand my misery. Gave up, “offered up” pursuing my wants — dating, friendships, various goals. I knew it would not be accepted in my family. No one to learn from, no one to take care of me, protect me once in a while.
My senses and feelings continue to be encased by a thick numbness. So frustrating, my body wants to deal with this by spending the day in a paralyzed state. It’s hard to move.
Still feel conflicted inside, not sure what I can grab hold of — everything surrounded by skepticism. Loneliness abounds. There’s a deep wish to have a mother who genuinely loves me and embraces who I truly am.
There is a great sadness inside. Thoughts keep jumping back to my childhood. It’s overwhelming, too difficult to remember. Everything immersed in sadness. Always alone, never felt safe or completely loved or accepted. Very cold, my body tenses up.
Memories of summers during high school — downstairs in the cold dank basement, lying on the couch, going between sleeping and secretly peaking at videos playing on MTV. Warm sun outside, pale white body down on the couch, alone. Yearned to be outside, swimming in the sunshine and summer foliage — would warm me up. I didn’t know how though. Wasn’t sure how to get outside, especially by myself — was I allowed outside if it was just me? No one else in the house seemed to share the same desire to enjoy the summer sun, or they were just too busy for it, for me.
Mom reminds me as recently as last year, “Remember when you wanted to plant all those seeds Erin? We bought you all kinds of vegetables, NOTHING grew.” A sort of satisfaction always accompanies her comments.
Perhaps I learned that it was dangerous to have these interests or wants — to experience the outside, to engage with nature, maybe even collaborate with it? Was the outside meant to remain a mystery? Just like one’s body, it’s not possible to understand or get to know its workings.
Extreme excitement about planting a peach seed as an eight year old — could it actually grow?? Hope and amazement quickly slashed. A trek through the woods with my grandmother and a shovel, isolated and lost, the peach seed and I had something in common. A desire to live and breathe, produce delicious fruits, shoved deep down within the ground. Could it ever be found again? Did it have to end this way? Die like this? Couldn’t it at least have a real chance at living? Rather than someone else determine its fate before it could learn to speak? Why did someone else’s fear of living have to kill something so young and innocent?
Feels unreal, unbelievable. Sharply reminded that I am not wanted — only the old Erin is.
